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Yeah I’m tagging your various aka’s so you’ll see this.  See me.

God you are so false, so fake, so full of yourself.

You’re married to a man but call yourself gay?

You forgive the woman who had an affair with your husband but have no forgiveness for me because I refused to take shitty treatment from that creep Corry.

You told me you hated living alone in your apartment and told me to stop contacting you to see how you are and to back off.  But in your blog you said you LOVED living alone.  So which one is the lie?

You post your feelings for the world to see and people follow you and then you stop blogging and change when someone you don’t want to see your words sees them.

You’re a living, total, fucking contradiction.

I realize you are damaged.  Molested, raped, bad marriage, gave up a son to adoption.  But all that does not give you the right to run roughshod over other people’s lives, their feelings, their security.

God from the very first moment we had contact you lorded it over me.  How I felt I had made a connection with someone and I just wanted to reach out in my own way so I called directory assistance and found a publically listed number for an actor and left him a message.  I don’t know who ratted me out on The Pretender board, if it was Lois or someone else.  But it was no business of yours.   All you had at the time was a Yahoo Group.  But then we tried to become friends.  Then I mentioned what had happened to that psychopath Suzanne and again you were all over me.  And then she turned against you too.  And we were friends again.

And then Corry and I were friends when you and I were friends and not friends when you and I fell out.  The two couldn’t be separate.

Why did you even come to Toronto.  I wonder why you just didn’t stay in Hamilton if it was only to see him.  I wanted to be your friend, I really did.  I realize that I wasn’t a good hostess after the fact.  At the time I did not have much money and a lot of debt.  I probably seemed that I wasn’t empathetic to your story but I was afraid of saying the wrong thing.  I felt you were a deer in the headlights and if I said something you’d stop talking.  However damaged I am for different reasons, I was not molested, I was not raped, I never had a child that I had to give up for adoption.  I did have a great deal of empathy for you.

And after your separation from Alan I was concerned for you and wanted you to be ok. But you wouldn’t let me.  So we agreed to take a break.  But now you say you loved it so I guess it was just me you wanted rid of.  Which is why it’s curious that you sought me out first after the break was over.

It’s funny that you’re such a feminist but it’s ok for Corry to pretend to like me for a booty call and then disappear.  Did you set it up so you could have a laugh?  Did you plan it out over the phone before hand and did he report back every lurid detail even though we had a firm agreement I thought that he would never tell you.  Glad I provided you entertainment.  Glad you feel it was ok to hurt me.

It wasn’t the first time he had treated me like crap when I finally told his g/f what she was letting herself in for but that was the enough to finally break the camel’s back so to speak.  I’d be really surprised if he hasn’t fooled around on her.  A leopard just cannot change their spots like that.  But if he has, great for her.  Maybe he found a woman who made him want to be a better man.

And then I write you and tell you I hope you are well and you block me.  Wow.  The hatred still lives.

That’s ok. Because I FORGIVE YOU BECCI.  I forgive you for every false judgment, every lie, every blog you wrote about me and then locked, every time you bore false witness against me or cut me off and then welcomed me back, every time you laughed at my expense or told me I’d end up alone and lonely.  How much joy you seemed to get out of hurting me.  BUT I FORGIVE YOU AND FOREVER RELEASE YOU BY THIS BLOG.  I feel cleansed and released.

I truly hope that one day you will be healed and not feel the need to hurt other people.  I hope your marriage remains happy and safe for you and I hope Noel remains healthy safe and happy.  She was a nice girl when I knew you.

Feeling Better

Last week was my first appointment with my new therapist.  I was really apprehensive as the last time I tried a new therapist he just wanted to talk about himself and take my money.  He was a bore and it was all about him!

This time I tried a person whose card was at my naturopath’s office.  She sounded really lovely on the phone and she was even better in person.  Judging by the amount of crying I did I still have a lot of healing to do.

I hadn’t been able to cry on my own in months.  I’ve just been feeling numb.  I also haven’t been able to do things I enjoy like seeing movies or reading.  So after doing all this crying in her office I felt cleansed and released.  I went to see my first movie in forever.  I saw the new Coen Brothers film, Hail Caesar!  It was wonderful.  I love seeing Tilda Swinton dressed as a girl instead of androgynous.  And I did some housework, really energetically!

I also did my performance review card for work and turned it in a week before it was due.  The thing is such a joke.  We are supposed to put 4 goals for the coming year but our boss never meets with us to discuss.  Never helps us attain those goals.  She takes zero interest in our development.  I’m amazed that no on in HR had caught on to how awful she is as a boss.

Last May I got a threatening note from a co-worker.  I know who it was but I can’t prove it.  This girl disappeared from work for about 3 days and it’s the second time she did it.  We were talking about it after our boss had been in our department talking about it.  Then the next day or something it seems that the girl said she did call but the message never got to our boss.  I simply asked if the person in charge of taking absence reports verified that.  One of my other coworkers blew up at me and accused me of accusing someone of lying.  Next thing I know I get a note claiming that I was talking about things that weren’t my business, that they had gone to HR (which was a lie) and that she was deciding whether or not to authorize HR to go ahead but that it wasn’t looking good for me career-wize.  Another girl in our department told her about the conversation I guess and somehow I got blamed for what we were all talking about.  I mean how do you abandon your job and not get fired? Well anyone who knows me knows I don’t take threats lying down.  I immediately called my boss and she had me send it to her.  I thought that this would be taken care of right away.

Amost 9 months later and it still has not been.  Despite my having reminded her several times about the  note.  Finally, I wrote her again after another week of promises and told her if she needed a copy I would be more than happy to provide her with one but that this cannot stand.  I was threatened and I want it dealt with.  She said she would let me know this coming week the results of her investigation.  Sheesh.  I feel so disrespected.  I wonder what her boss would say if I told her that she ignored this for 9 months?

We’ll see what comes from it.  I do have a copy and I’m not afraid to use it if I have to.

I also got some encouragement from a friend Greg.  I’ve never met him in person but we support each other on Twitter.  We both suffer from depression and send each other encouraging notes.  He said he’s in my corner.

I have another session with the new therapist on Tuesday.  I can’t wait.

I just got two very disturbing phone calls from a former friend.

This person and I used to work together years ago in the legal department of a company.  We never got a long.  She was not supportive of me and felt she was my boss in some ways as she reported to the Director of Legal and I reported to counsel.  She’d come to my desk demanding to know why the shared photocopier was not full of paper or why there were no staples in the machine.  She embarrassed me in front of a person when I needed to borrow some letterhead and she kicked up a stink.  She was always manouvreing behind my back.  When I came back from vacation once I was reporting to different people.  Another time the way we did filing changed.  She was always trying to get me to do her filing, even after she took over the accounts.  She would talk French to my boss just to annoy me and be petty.  Then another time I found a PowerPoint draft on my desk with a personal item used to weigh it down because she wasn’t comfortable using PowerPoint and she wanted me to do it.

Anyway I left the company before she did and I thought I had left her too.  But she insisted on staying in touch and being friends.  I went along with it.  I was uncomfortable being tied to the past but she always contacted me and not having many friends I just went along.  But it had to be on her terms when and where.  Always Red Lobster.  Whatever.  We had nothing in common.  She is lots older than me and an expat from Switzerland.  We’d get together maybe twice a year but it was the same old same old.  She constantly complained about immigrants which is funny because she was an immigrant (but she’s white).  She complained about her son who wouldn’t talk to her (but she left the marriage and him behind when he was small because they were always arguing and she felt he would be better with his father).  She turned over her money management to her ex-husband who is not a money manager and he lost her a bunch of money.  Then there was the time she wanted me to follow her son on Twitter and report back to her.  Which I refused.

Each visit with her was stressful.  She’s a racist white woman who complains about everything and I didn’t find her company enjoyable.  So I decided to end the friendship.  I wrote her and told her why.  I’ve explained to her a few times why.  Once every year or two she gets all teary and calls me and says she doesn’t understand why.  I then tell her why.  That we have nothing in common, that I find her racist and I don’t want to see her anymore.

She cannot accept it.  This has been going on for at least five or six years or more. She tried to follow me on Twitter but I blocked her (the tell was the only other person she was following was her son who bocked her as well).  In this month alone she sent me a note on Facebook so I blocked her, then she has visited my profile on LinkedIn so I blocked here there.  Today she calls me all teary and I  hung up on her.  Then she called back again asking me not to hang up and explaining that she doesn’t know why I ended things, that she “feels” for me which maybe means she’s reading my blog and if I could just tell her WHY?.  Well I have told you if you are reading this but you cannot seem to recognize it.  I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND.  I FIND YOU TOXIC.  This may seem ironic to those that read my post yesterday.  But I want to be free of this person.  She may be fun to other people.  Surely my part in her life was not that big.  I mean literally we exchanged Christmas cards and met maybe twice a year for a few years and talked on the phone.  She claims to have other friends.  She looked after little girls for awhile and they think fondly of her.  I know she must be lonely because she doesn’t have much family.  But that is not my responsibility.  I have to surround myself with positive people…or no people.  Why would you want to be friends with a person who doesn’t want to be friends with you.  I thought I was being kind by telling the truth.  Instead of just doing the fade away and changing my phone number.

Is the next thing going to be a physical attack?  Am I goung to have to watch over my shoulder?

I know it’s hard to let go.  I’ve just yesterday admitted to sending a different person a Facebook message and a Twitter message so maybe I’m not so different than this person.  I didn’t do it every year.  I wondered if there was room to make amends.  Decidedly I should have left it alone.  I’m not really in my right mind this weekend.

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 240 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Lonliness…

I’ve often prided myself on the fact that I am not afraid to be alone or do things alone.  I travel alone, I eat alone, I go to movies alone, I go to fan cons alone.  I enjoy down time…alone.  I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin.  I’ve had to teach and force myself to do and be that.  Or else I’d be a hermit.  I’d never do anything or go anywhere.  It’s always annoyed me when someone says, “Oh I can’t eat alone.” or “OMIGOD, go to a movie alone? No way.”  Or people that always have to be doing something.  It’s like they are unable to spend time with themselves.

But what I am realizing as I get older is that I am tired of being alone and fearful.  I was passing a graveyard on the subway and I thought if I die, who will come to my funeral?  I don’t have many friends in my immediate life.  Lots on the Internet.  My extended family and I are not close.  I guess I’m just feeling a little morose as I just had a colonoscopy and I’m thinking of my own mortality.

I have never had a long-term relationship with a man which is what I desire most in the world.  When I’ve been the chaser I have been spurned.  When I have been the chased, I have not trusted it.  Like when I was just in Punta Cana one of the workers at the resort took a shine to me.  And I could not entertain the thought.  I wasn’t sure what his motive was.  I’m sure he thought I was just a lonely heart travelling with her mother and I might have been an easy target.  The DR is very poor.  But he kept telling me HE made a good salary so I don’t know if he wanted me to stay with him.  Or he just wanted a marriage to Canada.  But I didn’t trust it.  For some reason I have to be the chaser in order to trust that someone could love me.  I know that it must have to do with my relationship with my father and how we are estranged now.  How is it supposed to affect you and your relationship with men when the first man in your life, the first man who is supposed to be in love with you and love you with all his heart, doesn’t.  That he treats you so badly.  How can you trust a man fully if not fully given a chance.  If every time you’ve reached out you are rejected.

I’m 50 now.  I don’t want to die alone in this world.  I want a partner.  I want someone to share my life with.  Not necessarily live with.  But a call, a date, a vacation.  I’ve tried dating sites, I’ve tried social clubs.  I seem to push people away.  I have been in years of therapy and think I’ve finally gotten through the self-hate and loathing.  Except for my body.  Have a very bad body image.  What’s next a relationship life coach?  I don’t know. 

I hope I can find an answer soon.  I don’t want time to run out.

So yes I was attending group therapy to help with relationship issues.

Interestingly, I got along way better with the men than I did with the women.

One of the woman was an aged lesbian who was consumed but this male/sexual/dominance that she could not get over.  She believed that she was a victim because she was a woman and she had to bring sexism or possible sexism into every conversation.  None of the men were safe in group and after awhile it got very tiresome.  If there was a rudeness or perceived rudeness between her and a member of the opposite sex it was because she was a woman.  Not that the other person was a jerk.  But because they were a man, she was a woman and there  ya go!

She was constantly attacking me in group because I disagreed with her.  She told me I was wrong, she called me a Pollyanna and she asked me if I still considered myself a woman!  How rude!   She was a bully and I didn’t subjugate myself before her.  So I quit and actually I’ve been so much calmer and unstressed since I did that.  It was taking up my every waking moment.  This conflict.   This challenge to the way I live my life.  How dare she attack me.  It was distracting me in my sleep and in my work causing me to lose focus and make mistakes.  Group can’t be for everyone and it wasn’t for me.  So I wrote a letter of resignation.  And I feel good about it.  I feel like I’m letting the men of the group down because I was their sole female defender but I’m sure they will survive.  The doctor of the group called me today to see if I’m still resolute in my decision and I left a message telling him I was.  Flicka is worth 10,000 of those therapy groups.  So I don’t get a long with a lot of people, I have a sensitive bullshit meter and I don’t take any prisoners.  I’d rather have no friends than have friends who aren’t really my friends.  Yes I’ve made mistakes, maybe ended friendships where I shouldn’t have.  But everyone makes mistakes.

So on to the next part.  I turned 50 and it was actually a very  nice birthday.  I spent it up in Owen Sound with my step family and my cousin Sandra-Lee opened her house to a party.  It was very wonderful.  Then we had a late Christmas Party at work and my co-workers combined the party with my birthday party and I got logs of movie tickets!  Yeah!

I got flowers from my friends in Australia and cards.  I thinks this will be a good decade!

Flicka and Me

When I was small I had a dog by the name of Tippy, part Beagle and part German Shepherd I think.  I was the only one who could walk him because he knew I was small and he would not pull me, so at night when he wanted out and my father was on night shift as a cop and mom was home alone she would bring me along to hold his leash.  But as often happens we had to move and so we had to give Tippy away.

Later on we had another little dog part Pekinese and party Pomeranian.  She had 3 puppies while she was with us.  We came home one night and she was giving birth.  Mom shooed me into the living room thinking I would somehow be traumatized but I kept peeking through the sliding door.  After they were born she let me pick them up right away.  After they were weaned we found them good homes. But we had to give her away as well when we moved.

After that we had cats, but as we always had to move, I kept having to give away my pets.

The first chance I got when I was out on my own I got two cats.  They didn’t really get along but the were mine and I kept them both until they passed.

I have two cats now as well and I will be their only human.

But  my purpose today is to talk about Flicka the dog.

I’ve always been a dog lover.  I always stop and greet them on the street.  But it’s not fair to have one when you live in an apartment and are out all day.  Although lots of people do for sure.  But my cats basically take care of themselves.

Well the opportunity came up recently to connect with a dog.  One of the lawyers at my firm has a service dog.  I didn’t really think I would get the opportunity to interact with her a lot because as a support dog she is  mostly on duty and one should not interact with a service dog.

But one day I got an email from the lawyer asking me if would walk her because he was injured.  I said heck yes!  I got a list of commands, treats and poop bags and we were off.

I am still so thrilled to have been asked.  Service dogs are very well trained and a lot of time, effort and money go into their training.  They are valuable not only  monetarily but for the service they provide.  So to be trusted with someone else’s dog is a great responsibility and an honour.

My friend brings her up to my work area and she knows that we are going for a walk.  We cannot greet each other until her jacket is off and until then it’s torture for both of us.   Once her jacket is off she flies into me and is so excited!!!!  So am I.  There is nothing more unconditional than a dog’s love.

So we go off into the City.  Do you know that everyone smiles at you when you have a pretty dog with you.  And you get to talk to lots of people who you normally would not greet.  And greeting jer always cheers up any person.  And she loves the attention for sure!  Many times we meet other dogs and they sniff each other’s butts and get face to face.  It certainly is great exercise for both of us.  We walk for about 50 minutes at a full clip.  Sometimes a trot.  She pulls me to the park so she can stalk the squirrels.  It’s been very cold the last couple of days so the squirrels have been hiding.

But most of all it’s what she does to my psychologically.  I feel so unstressed when I’m with her and long after.  I am responsible for a valuable animal and I take her for walks.  I give her commands and she listens to me.  Her spirit is so beautiful and it shines through to me.

I feel like I am her friend.  I talk to her and she takes me on her journey. Everything is from her point of view.  What she sees, who she greets.  Something about her just takes the stress right out of your body, your mind, your soul and releases it back to the universe.

My friend thinks I’m doing him a favour, but he’s really doing one for me.  A huge one.  He’s said that after his leg heals that I can continue to walk her as we do so well together.  So I know we will be friends for a long while.  I’m so blessed.

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